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| FROM THE GALLERIES |
Minibots - 2005 Botch's Collection (2005) |
| I'm A-Twit |
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loading this crap... |
| I'm Auctioning |
Stepper Box, Instructions and Bio Card don't make me throw this out! |
Just what is a reasonable amount of money to spend on collectibles? It's a question that I imagine most every collector must ponder at some point or another, and it's a difficult one for me to answer. By their very nature, collectibles are not necessary items. Whoever recently bought Action Comics #1 for $1,500,000 did not need to do so any more so than the collector who drops $10 at Walmart for the latest Star Wars figure. Toys seem to be considered important, if not essential, for children -- "play" is an important part of development -- but while that impulse transitions for most adults into sports or video games or fishing, some of us never outgrow our love of childish things. But even that explanation is too simplistic, since few adult collectors "play" with their collections; I don't know any adult Transformers fans that spend hours rolling cars and jets around making "vroom! vroom!" and "ptchoo! ptchoo!" noises. No, there are other psychological factors in play, like perhaps hoarding, or reclaiming lost childhood. Who can say? Everyone is different. But whatever reason compels a grown man (or woman) to continue buying toys (or stamps or coins or Elvis memorabilia), there remains for each one the simple question: How much money am I willing to spend on this?
Is there such a thing as a "reasonable" amount? If so, how do you calculate that? A percentage of one's income? Speculation on resale value (assuming one ever actually plans on selling one's collection)? How "in control" are you as a collector? The truth is I don't think that any collector can answer these questions completely, and the motivations behind toy collecting are especially nebulous. The reasonability of a superfluous purchase does seem to scale up or down based on one's amount of disposable cash, but that's a no-brainer: the more money you make, the more frivolous expenditures that you (and those who observe you) can justify.
It's unsurprising that one of my all-time favorite Transformers comic book covers features my all-time favorite Transformer: SHOCKWAVE, the Decepticon Military Operations Commander. This was the first cover to appear after the original four-issue limited series was extended into an ongoing monthly, and was one of only two painted covers in the 80-issue run (the other being the debut issue). Here Shockwave reminds us that at the end of the previous installment he was the last Transformer standing, having incapacitated the remaining Autobots after their seeming victory over the Decepticons.
It started back when we lived in NYC: the majority of our apartment was decorated and stylized by Heather, but I had a sanctuary, a space, a room that was filled with All Things Adam. There was my computer desk, my various musical instruments, and of course my bookcases of Transformers. I took to calling it The War Room in the spirit of Doctor Strangelove. By the time we left our railroad-style Brooklyn digs, the War Room was over-flowing.
When we moved to Portland I took the spare bedroom as my office and delighted in the wealth of breathing room my collection had gained. As the Classics line multiplied and the Animated line hit stores, I resorted to putting up shelves to host the figures, while off-setting the increased geekiness with more macabre imagery.
But my collection-displaying woes were not what was actually concerning me. Since my desktop computer was in that room, it meant that I was too often segregated from my roomie, my partner in life, my blushing bride. After all, what reason had she to join me in my plastic "man cave"? How can we share what we're watching or reading or playing if I'm ensconced and secluded in the War Room?
I love my Robot Heroes! Cute, happy, lovable Autobots and Decepticons, chasing each other around the playground with their little fusion cannons and flamethrowers. So adorable. As such I was really disappointed when several G1 characters slated for release were canceled in favor of movie characters instead. (Yet another reason to hate the Bay movies.) Fortunately, some enterprising individual managed to snag a few pre-production prototypes of these little guys and auction them on eBay. (It was big news.) My bank account was unable to afford the Prowl/Laserbeak pair, but I managed to score the Robot Heroes versions of Victory Saber and Deszaras!
The attention to detail and faithfulness to the original toys is really impressive, and since I haven't seen many photos of these little dudes, I decided to take some myself. Enjoy, internet people!
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Her Majesty's favorite band, The Soundwaves !!!
From left to right: Electrostatic Soundwave with Ratbat keytar (TF: Animated); Robot Heroes Soundwave (top); my original G1 Soundwave (with Buzzsaw cassette); Soundwave with Laserbeak guitar (TF: Animated). Not pictured: Titanium Soundwave; dignity.
What I didn't mention in my recent "Ode to the Cassette" post was that I finally received my 2GB USB thumb drive Ravage. It is every bit as awesome as I had hoped. It's relatively sturdy, it transforms easily, the jaguar mode is very posable, and the design is slick. It even comes with a program you can install so that when you plug the USB drive into your machine, an animated Ravage stalks your desktop. They went the extra mile.
The absolute best part about this device is that the USB thumb drive is a perfect update to the original microcassette mode! It's the modern portable information storage device! Plus, unlike the original cassettes, this USB drive actually works. I've been using it to transport MP3's from home to work and back. As brilliant as the cassette/boombox idea was for the early 1980's Transformers, those "disguises" are no longer viable; in fact, a boombox or a microcassette would really stand out in 2009 as a technological anachronism. As if to drive home that point, when Hasbro recently released their re-imagined Hound/Ravage pairing, Hasbro apparently wanted to market Ravage's disguise as his "capture" mode, fearing that today's kids wouldn't know what the hell a "cassette" was. (The final packaging, however, consistently refers to Ravage's "tape mode".) In my "updated" G1 collection (of mostly Classics and Universe toys), this USB Ravage definitely replaces the "tape" one that came with Hound.
Everything I disliked about the first movie, I continued to dislike about the sequel. Allow me to elaborate. [spoilers ahead]
I still HATE the designs for these Transformers. They look like Terminators, or Predators, but not Transformers. Their transformations are so ridiculously busy, they effectively "morph" from one mode to another. They are ugly, and so overly-detailed that they become a blur -- the busy-ness of the forest obstructs the trees. While I thought the CGI was very cutting edge, the designs of the robots nonetheless prevent any fight scene from actually looking good. It's just red/blue blur versus gray blur. Fail!
I know, it's been three weeks. I just haven't been in a "blogging place." Let me catch you up.
Um. Well, I got a cavity filled. As in a tooth, not butt sex. I'm not into that.
Back in July of 2007, I confessed my infatuation with the Decepticon Monster Pretenders, the last of the Generation One combiner teams, who each shed their hideous plastic shells to merge into the fearsome super-warrior called Monstructor! I started gradually acquiring the individual villains, some for as little as $26, others for closer to $40. By December of '07 I had won Wildfly, Slog and Birdbrain on eBay. James Conejero sent me Scowl as a appreciative Xmas present, and in February of '08 I added Icepick to the mix for a total of five-sixth. Since then, for over a year, I've been seeking the last troublesome figure, Bristleback. Because he suffers from "gold plastic syndrome" -- a condition wherein the gold plastic of certain select toys is especially brittle and breakable -- he was hard to locate in decent condition, and then was greatly more expensive than the others, sometimes going for between $75 and $100. However, I diligently kept track of private sales through various message boards and finally managed to find someone who would sell me an imperfect but complete and serviceable Bristleback for only $45 (including shipping).
And so! It is finished:
On Friday night I hosted my second Transformer-fan poker game in my kitchen. I met most of the local Portland-area Transformer fans through the Oregon Transformers Sightings board, but one guy actually found me through this site. Hooray! I always invite a couple non-Transfans both to fill seats and to help us plastic toy addicts keep perspective.
It's a great time, really. It's only a $10 buy-in on a friendly Texas Hold 'Em cash game. Everybody gets drunk on their booze of choice, while snacks and some assorted TFs are on the table for idle hands. Smoke breaks double as a chance to show off my most recent acquisitions. Good times.
We alternated between two different novelty decks to speed up shuffling and dealing time. What do you think of my choices (below)?
For years, Charlie was not only my roommate and best friend, he was my Transformer confidante. He didn't collect them, but as a kid he was a big fan and owned most of the first few years of the toy line. As such he had no problem discussing Starscream, Mirage or the Stunticons, or transforming my toys and posing them in silent diorama of battle in our Queens apartment. He even once wrote the first scene of a Shakespearean-style Transformers story in iambic pentameter. (Charlie, please feel free to elaborate in the Replies about the title and highlights, and email the text if you still have it, and I know you do, you "just have to dig it out of somewhere" and yes I am asking you to do that.)
But Charlie has betrayed me. He is a fan of the Michael Bay movie. He has no aesthetic objections to the design of the "Bayformers". He is really eager to see the forthcoming sequel. And all of this is fine, to each his own, but the terrible part is that, by contrast, he doesn't see the charm in the Transformers: Animated line. It's a sin!
The guy in that picture? That's me in exactly 20 years.
HOW DID THEY KNOW?
I've only recently become interested in this notion of non-official Transformers: fans repainting their figures, modifying or enhancing them with new parts shaped from other toys, or even fully scratch-built robots. It's tremendously impressive, and also enviable since I have no such talents that way. I'm a coder, not a fighter -- er, craftsman. Hell, I'm impressed with myself if I can replace a brake light in a car or fix the toilet. I can expertly apply stickers, but cobbling original Transformers is a bit beyond me. And, for whatever reason, these fan-built creations continue to get increasingly impressive every year.
What's really interesting now, though, is the emerging field of mass-produced unofficial Transformer merchandise. I already showed you the Quintessons I recently acquired, but what I got in the mail over the weekend easily tops them. It's so awesome, I've found myself randomly smiling throughout the day when I remember that he's home waiting for me on my desk.
As an adult Transfan, my enjoyment of the original G1 cartoon and movie has greatly waned. Even as a kid I was more of a fan of the comic, both US and UK. Still, I just wasn't able to resist these custom-made, articulated and battery-powered light-up figures by Impossible Toys:
I know, I know. I've been delinquent in attending to your blog-reading needs. I apologize, I've been busy. Band has been rehearsing and writing and gigging. Some freelance stuff. But the thing that kept me most occupied all last week was preparing for my first time hosting a Transfans get-together. I wanted everything to be perfect in its presentation. To this end I did a little redecorating.
Yesterday I drove with a couple Transfan buddies to CybCon 2008, a small Transformers convention in Tacoma, Washington. CybCon is run by Greg Gaub, one of the few people whose Transformers site has been online longer than mine. Back when I first started the Transformers Box Art Archive in 1998, I was using Gaub's animated "spinning logos" throughout. (You know, back when animated gifs on the internet were actually cool.) Anyway, I brought home quite a substantial haul, and I thought it important to share the details with you, because you never know when this information could save your life!
This is Oil Slick, one of the new figures from the Transformers: Animated line that I have been rabidly collecting. He is awesome (AW350M#!!1!1!). This is his promotional image, which was my first impression of the toy.
Having finally procured a replacement hip cog, Omega Supreme walks once more!
I have a new sub-hobby that combines my passion for Transformers and music. Ready? I drive around town, blaring music (usually something with loud distorted guitars), going from Target to Toys'R'Us to WalMart looking for new Transformers figures. The music part is almost unfailingly fun, lately consisting of a lot of classic Thrash or Sludge; it's the toy acquisition component that too often disappoints. I believe this is because of a vast conspiracy called Code: Adam, the sole purpose of which is to keep me driving in circles, with no tangible reward, for reasons unknown.
The first thing I do before going out is to consult the Oregon Transformers Sightings message board, which is mostly populated by Portlanders. Here, deceivers with handles like autobotguy, Katamari Prime, and dragontron88 mislead me with tantalizing tidbits like "Grimlock spotted at Mall 205 Target!" or "New Classics found at Clackamas TRU!". But of course when you go to Mall 205 Target, the Dinobot commander is not to be found. Clackamas TRU has no Classics at all. They're liars, all of them. They're all in on it. Fuckers.
As you can see, I have started buying the Transformers: Animated toys. Even though I have not yet watched a single episode of the show. At first, I just bought Ratchet and the Optimus Prime vs. Megatron 2-pack (above). These toys are cool. Not mind-blowingly awesome, but clever, posable and certainly the most uniquely cartoonish-looking Transformers ever released. But after opening them, I realized I wasn't content. I actually went back to two different Walmarts late last night looking for more, but they were already sold out of everything except the ones I already had (ha!) and Blackarachnia, so I bought Blackarachnia. This is most likely a good thing, because I realize I probably would have bought any and all that I had found.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Though his electronic lights, revolving turret and motorized tank mode were all functioning properly, the awesome and battery-powered Omega Supreme could not walk. Well, one leg walked, but one didn't, so he walked in circles. The last of the ancient guardian robots was, in effect, an old robot with a bad hip. He must be repaired!
This is actually a very common breakage with Omega Supreme. The problem lies in the white, plastic cylindrical gears that turn the square metal rod which, in turn, moves the legs. These white gears break often. Replacing them looks pretty easy... if you can get the part. However, since this is such a common breakage, finding a loose Omega Supreme tank that has one or both of these pieces in good order is the challenge. So, for now, old man Omega sits in a state of disrepair, awaiting his new hip joint component.
There's a reason I'm especially fond of the Terrorcons: they were among the first Transformers I bought with my own money when I got my first job at age 13 doing odds and ends at a local sporting good store. I would take my small weekly pay, head over to the local Clover department store, and agonize over which of the carded Terrorcons or Technobots I would buy (and which ones I would have to leave on the shelf). While I probably would have bought them all at once if I could, in retrospect I loved getting them individually because it gave me a week to savor each one for its own sake before a new acquisition could usurp my attention.
I was especially fond of Sinnertwin, the Terrorcon sentry, but let me tell you why. Years later, in my Queens apartment, when some friends and I were sitting around tripping, the girl I was sleeping with at the time asked if I wasn't in fact reading too much into the Transformers. In response, I went to my Cybertron bookcase, selected Sinnertwin, and responded along the following lines...
What a fucking rush! -- I just this very minute won on eBay the last Dinobot I needed, Swoop, in great condition with nice stickers, and complete with all accessories, even his instructions and tech spec. And I got him for about 25% below his normal selling price! I'm so pleased.
The rush comes from sitting there in the auction's final moments, hitting refresh every few seconds to see if anyone has outbid me. My pulse was racing, blood was pounding in my ears, my palms and pits moistening with fresh cold sweat. It's very exhilarating.
In truth, though, I kind of hate it because it all stems from sniping, which I loathe. (I bid over two minutes before auction's end, a compromise between my hatred of sniping and the reality of its existence.) In a traditional live auction, once the bidding starts it continues until no one else comes forward. In my opinion, eBay auctions should be configurable with the option to extend the deadline if bids continue to be placed. For example, if there's less than 2 minutes left on an auction and a new bidder sets a new high bid, the auction should automatically extend its remaining time to 5 or 10 minutes minutes from that last, highest bid. Make sense?
It's been some time since I've blogged. Honest, I've just been really busy. But let me share, in piecemeal fashion, some events and items of the last couple weeks. You don't mind, do you?
Most prominently, Dollface and I were visited for several days by a very good friend of ours from New York City, a man known as Ethan. Once described in song as "somewhere in-between a mafioso and a teddy bear," Ethan also hazily inspired what is definitely one of my favorite Brompton's Cocktail songs, "Ethan In Space". Doll and I were both in his wedding, actually. Anyway, I was pretty much constantly inebriated during his 5-day stay, but I still managed to do some things...
Though I was unable to suspend my three Transformer planets from the ceiling, I am still happy with my little ternary star system, such as they are. How do they compare to each other, these unheavenly satellites of my affection? Does any one of them stand out as the Jupiter among Mercuries and Neptunes? And can a black bath towel be effectively used to simulate outer space?
From left to right: Cybertron, Unicron and the Death Star.
It's about Thoroughness. Completionism. Pride. It's about setting standards for the things you collect and adhering to them. It's why all my Black Sabbath vinyl albums are contemporary pressings and not reissues. It's why I collected Walter Simonson's Thor comic run in single issues, but Garth Ennis' Punisher MAX run in trade (rather than mixing and matching.) And it's why all my toys have, or should have, all their weapons, parts, accessories, or whatever. It makes them whole and fully realized. Even if some of those guns and stuff aren't in the best shape, they nonetheless add character simply by their presence.
That's why, after a two-year search, I'm so glad I finally procured an extra shackle for my Snake Mountain to replace the broken shackle-stub that arrived embedded in the playset. Doesn't Man-E-Faces look so much happier now that both wrists are bound instead of just one?
Actually he doesn't seem happier at all.
Before I put them up on eBay, is anyone interested in buying some of the recent IDW Transformers comics from me? I want to sell some single issues and get the trade paperbacks instead.
Have you not been reading the current line of Transformers comic books? If not, you really should. The current universe being created by Simon Furman and IDW Publishing is really riotously cool, at least in my humble opinion.
To accompany his graphical Botch tech spec, our old friend Slim has kindly rendered graphical tech specs for Botch's cohorts, Bungle and Fuck-Up. To see more custom tech specs, check out Slim's Custom Transformer Tech Specs. Thanks, Slim!
BOTCH — ESPIONAGE 
BUNGLE — DATA COURIER 
FUCK-UP — RECONNAISSANCE
All our favorite G1 Transformer characters are now about 20 years old. In that time, a lot of fiction has happened to influence our perceptions of each character. However, I want you TF fans to hearken back just for a moment with me to the first time you remember learning about... ULTRA MAGNUS.
For me, I think it may have been this commercial:
Oh, and I got Icepick, my penultimate Monster Pretender acquisition, fifth in the series of six. I stumbled upon a just-listed eBay auction for him with a very low Buy It Now price of only $20, though that did not include the non-negligible $10 S&H charge. Still, $30 is a great price for any mint and complete Monster Pretender, so I snatched him. If it wasn't such an overall bargain, I might be peeved that all my $10 shipping-&-handling charge got me was the toy, in a ziplock bag, stapled into a padded manila envelope, and sent First Class for less than two dollars. (One must assume a steep but worthy "handling" charge made up the rest of the fee. Envelopes don't staple themselves, you know.)
Of course, our witty blog post title is a reference to Ms. Stone's character in the Basic Instinct films and her fondness for the icepick as an orgasmic aid. (I'm suddenly reminded of a lyric from Cannibal Corpse's horrible but spry little tune, "Fucked With A Knife." Look it up.) Did anyone actually see Basic Instinct 2? Is it remotely enjoyable to watch? Does an inner robot emerge from the Sharon Stone shell and claw away at Michael Douglas' replacement?
According to his tech spec, Icepick is a "fanatical follower of Planned Obsolescence." What a coincidence! So is Sharon Stone!
The design of the robots in the last movie was, in my opinion, hideous. They were unrecognizable as Transformers (you know, such as they have been for over 20 years), but even apart from the drastic non-traditionalism, they were just ugly, confusing to look at, horribly derivative of other alien cinema designs, and did I mention ugly? And stupid.
According to Michael Bay, the rationale was thus: "I just didn't want to make the boxy characters. It's boring and it would look fake. By adding more doo-dads and stuff on the robots, more car parts, you can just make it more real." There are so many reasons this is just wrong. Updated, modern designs of the classic characters have been done successfully in recent toys, comics and even amateur digital animation. And all of them look better than the visual crap that was featured in the 2007 flick.
A year or two ago when it happened to come up in conversation, my bride insisted that men should start getting regular prostate examinations when they turned 40 years old, and that I should be no exception. Being a practical person, and seeing how that age was still almost a decade away, I saw no reason to argue. "Sure," I said. "It seems to me that turning 40 is on par with getting a little fucked in the ass." Little did I know I would not actually get to wait that long.
See, over the holiday I learned that my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Caught in the very early stages as it was, it seems that it will be operable with a good chance of full recovery. But add to this the fact that his father was killed by colon cancer, and that I seem to have inherited my unimpressive gastrointestinal system from both men, everyone agreed that I should be especially on the lookout for this cancer of the bowels. And wouldn't you know, having recently reacquired health insurance, I had already scheduled an introductory check-up visit with a Portland doctor. What a coincidence! It was suggested that, perhaps, so long as I'm scheduled to visit a doctor anyway, why not ask him to inspect my asshole?
A kitbasher with the suggestive handle of Viagra Prime was so inspired by the digital Botch renders at Iacon City that he decided to build a real, size-accurate, transforming version of it. He would want me to remind you that he's still awaiting some stickers to finish it up, but yo, here are the preliminary pics:
The first side-effect of watching so many Transformers: Headmasters cartoons in such a short time is that you wake up every freakin' morning with the opening theme song in your head. It's in Japanese, so the best I could do in the shower is hum along until I get to something I vaguely understand, like "He-do-ma-sa-ta!" Deliciously catchy:
Yes, I'm in a little bit of a funk. We're still... recouping... from the holidays, and they're not even quite done yet. Broke and unmotivated, I'm spending my time watching the TF: Headmasters cartoons, which only makes me want to buy more toys I can't afford. It's uncanny! Almost like the show was designed to make me want to buy these toys! I have the majority of the supporting cast (those characters introduced in previous seasons), but the plastic proxies of many principle players in these performances (e.g., the Headmasters) are not currently in my possession. Heart-wrenching, I know.
Music. Transformers. Heather. More Transformers. More Music. Job. Band. Smoking. Drinking.
This is my Portland.
I just got the new Transformers: Headmasters DVD set from Madman Entertainment, the same Australian company that released that Transformers: Complete Collection of the original US series that I gushed about.
It is AWESOME. I've never before seen these Japanese cartoons that took up where the original US series left off, but I just watched the first two episodes and they are just plain cool. I love the fact that the show incorporates characters from all the previous seasons in addition to the new ones. I love the detailed and stylized animation, so much better than earlier Transformers cartoons. Thus far, the dialogue and plot make almost no sense to me at all, but it doesn't matter because the show is, like I said, cool.
In a few hours I will be accompanying Dollface to the Christmas party of the Pier 1 where she works. Though I will have to remain sober enough to drive, I'm sure it will be fine. Apparently, as a theme, attendees are asked to wear a Christmas sweater, tastefulness not required. Honestly, the closest thing I have is my Freddy Krueger sweater. It is red, green, and of questionable taste. But I dunno. I'm not exactly known for my holiday cheer.
Speaking of multicolored evil cheer, I cheaply won a complete Birdbrain on eBay. Added to Slog and Wildfly, I now have this much Monstructor:
(I know you're really glad I'm keeping you current with this.)
For those not in the know, Metroplex is an Autobot city that transforms into a robot. Naturally, he's on the larger side as far as Transformers go. He's always been one of my favorite toys. Imagine! The concept! A whole city (with towers and a helipad and repair bays) rising up to form one monolithic mechanical anthropomorph (with lots and lots of guns)!
But lo, the fun doesn't stop there, no. His original instructions suggest that you can make a "super strong" Metroplex by attaching Aerialbots (sold separately) to his robot mode. Honest:
Now right now, you might be thinking: so fucking what? Well, if that's the case, then you've obviously never put "Super Metroplex" together, because if you did, you'd know he was a really fun guy to hang out with. We listened to Abbey Road and jammed on the acoustic guitar a little...
I am enjoying my new job quite a lot. I like the atmosphere, the co-workers, the work ethic, the social value of the product, and the work I am personally doing. It is a refreshing feeling to care about your job. And since it's 17 floors up in the middle of downtown Portland, I have a wonderful metropolitan view outside my window. This picture was snapped with my camera phone while sitting at my desk. You get the full city thing, with a little park nestled in there and the distant mountains to remind you you're still in Oregon. Ah, the city. I never get tired of skyscrapers.
I happen to have an unwanted copy of the little folded paper instructions for Generation 2 Devastator. I will mail it to the first person who can email me the correct answer to the following little logic problem. (If you don't actually want the instructions, let me know, I'll award them to the first correct respondant who does.) Once a winner has been chosen, I'll post the answer and the puzzle's original source. Here we go!
Five Decepticon soldiers were marching in single file, and each was carrying a different weapon. Use the following clues to figure out who carried which weapon and in what order they were marching...
I love it when the present day catches up with futuristic dates conceived by science fiction writers. George Orwell's 1984. Buck Rogers' ill-fated mission, "the last of America's deep space probes," was launched in 1987. (Man, I love the music in the intro to that series.) 2001: A Space Odyssey. And, of course, there's the Transformers movie, which was set 20 years from date of its theatrical release: 2005.
When I got my DVDs of the original Transformers cartoons from Madman, since I'd already seen Seasons 1 and 2 in the last few years, I decided to watch Season Three, the post-movie season. Like the movie, the season revolves around a small ensemble cast that science fiction lovers may find... strangely familiar...
I have to tell you about this, because if you are a Transformers fan like me, you will agree that this is awesome. A short while ago, the mailman delivered to me this boxset, put out by Madman Entertainment of Australia. It is the Transformers: Complete Collection, presenting all four seasons of the original USA cartoon in one 17-disc collection. Not only is it awesome to own all of these in one compact set, but the packaging itself is, in my opinion, quite possibly the coolest packaging of any Transformers item ever. Madman has shown a level of dedication and furious Transformers excitement that easily trumps the US releases.
Since I generally finish my assigned web development tasks much faster than the generous amount of time allotted, I am ending up with too much free time. Time that could probably be spent more wisely. Instead, I start wondering, Who would win in a fight between Godzilla, the Hulk, and the Transformers?
The first consideration that springs to mind is that the Hulk, by definition, is The Strongest One There Is™. Just so we're clear, I'm not talking about the "able to bend steel bars and barrel through brick walls" Hulk ...
So last night a bunch of us Portland Transfans got together — dojatron, Lucs, periL75 and me (Botch). This was acknowledged by all to be novel and very cool; hanging out and talking Transformers with fellow fans, in person, outside of a convention, doesn't happen often; and having everyone be drinking, smoking, women-fucking cool dudes who just happen to geek out on Transformers was great.
One particular point that came up later in the night was the question of why Hasbro didn't reissue more G1 material. I offered that they had reissued quite a lot of stuff in recent years, but when they exhausted the more popular characters (Optimus Prime, Starscream) and were reissuing the less-commercial toys (Grapple, Hoist), the buyer momentum ran out, and those later reissues became shelf-warmers. However, I think the fault is not in the products themselves, it's in Hasbro's choice of marketing venue. Why are they wasting time trying to sell to 30-year-old collectors from the toy section of Wal-Mart when they could be selling directly to them via pre-order over the internet? I've has this in mind for a while, but I finally composed an "open letter" to Hasbro regarding this topic. The rest of this post is a copy of what I emailed to their PR department (for lack of a better accessible email). I'm aware that it will probably just be ignored or filed away... but it will really bug me if I don't get this out of my system, so out it comes.
WARNING: This is probably really, really boring for non-Transformers fans. I won't be offended if you'd rather go read celebrity gossip and bad-mouthing over at What Would Tyler Durden Do?
That last post about the music business didn't do it for you? Too rambling? Uninteresting topic? Not enough robots? Here, let me make it up for you. This should be extra super fun:
Friday was a great day. I got my first real paycheck since moving to Portland, and I got my first Monster Pretender in the mail, Wildfly. His soft Pretender shell has that familiar plastic smell of so many forgotten infant toys, I immediately wanted to put him in my mouth. (It was suggested that I wash him first.) And I was able to share the news of this acquisition over drinks with some new people that I found through the Oregon thread of the TFW2005 message boards. Got drunk and had a great time!
Saturday was hangover day. Initially, this involved nothing more strenuous than lying in bed and reading the rest of the Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane series, a comic I highly recommend to anyone. After the queasiness subsided, we drove around, trading in unwanted CDs and DVDs for new (used) ones, buying new comic books, eating at Burgerville (best fast food burger joint ever), getting our real license plates for our car, and watching the Zeffirelli Hamlet starring Mel Gibson.
Transformers have a sense of smell. Some, like trackers, have a more acute sense than others to facilitate their function. For most Transformers, though, like humans, smell appears to be the most negligible sense. But what I'm more interested in is the fact that some odors are pleasant for them and others are repulsive. Huh!
According to various tech spec entries [Skalor, Blot, Apeface], poor Transformer hygiene in the form of unmaintained personal lubricants has a disgusting odor. Also, "decaying refuse" is unpleasant [Landfill] as well as, for some, the smell of any organic creature [Rippersnapper]. Interesting!
My wife is a champion. She champions my Transformers as clever, unique, diverse and interesting. She also champions their wonderful capacity for pure kitschy silliness. It is the latter that we focus on today, for my most excellent bride gifted me with the latest in Cybertronic Starch. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Optimash Prime!
"Freedom is the right of all sentient potatoes!"
Optimash Prime, the heroic leader of the Autospuds.
Most of you know that I have been dreading the release of Michael Bay's Transformers movie. There were many reasons: Michael Bay generally makes critically unfavorable movies that I think suck; the scriptwriters' credits were unflattering; the new designs of the robots were non-traditional and (to me) unattractive. With all of this in mind, I had practically composed my negative review in my head several days in advance.
Yesterday, Heather and I casually opted to go see the film. We settled into our seats in a surprisingly empty theater for a 7pm holiday showing. Walking out of the theater, my simple review was thus:
• It was not a great movie, but it was an enjoyable kids' flick. Shia LaBeouf carries the film entirely, far more likeable than any other human or robot on-screen.
• The Transformer robot designs are horrible and I wonder what came first: their distracting physiognomy or Bay's decision to shoot every action scene in a confusing blur.
• In my heart, this was a Transformers movie... but not the Transformers movie, and certainly not our Transformers movie.
• Worst. Fucking. Musical Score and Soundtrack. Ever.
My partner in crime (my wife) sent me a link to this New York Times article on three-dimensional printers and their newfound relatively-affordable price-tag (in the vicinity of $10,000). Oh yeah, if you haven't heard, they invented 3D printers a while ago, basically a primitive version of the Star Trek replicator. Yeah. Fucked up. But it's true.
For the last decade they've been closer to the $100,000 range, but now they're coming down in price. They predict they'll be closer to $2,000 in few years, if interest remains. And you know that like the DVD Player, the microwave and the cell phone, they'll eventually be cheap enough that anyone can own one. It's inevitable, if I live long enough, that I can affordably own a great three-dimensional printer. And then I can finally make a prototype of BOTCH.
Many months ago, I posted a black-and-white concept sketch of an unmade gestalt comprised of dinosaur Transformers. I dubbed them the Saurobots because no one reading this is in any position to contradict me. In that post, and subsequently on the TFans.com message board, I encouraged people to take a shot at coloring the sketch.
And an army of brave souls rose to the challenge! Well, three. An army of three. Observe...!
OK, so I came across an auction on eBay for five G1 Transformer instruction booklets. These things are not booklets, really, they're one-sheet pieces of paper, approximately legal-sized, folded up into 4" x 3" rectangles. I don't think they weigh more than an ounce. Anyway, I was mildly interested in this auction until I noticed that the guy was charging $7.50 for shipping. I thought Wow! Seven dollars and fifty cents? It seemed a bit much for less than a dozen pieces of paper. I suspected the seller was seriously inflating the cost of the shipping in order to bolster his profits, a sort of final price extortion, if you will. But hey, I could be jumping to conclusions. I decided to inquire of the seller how he/she arrived at their shipping figure.
My inquiry was met with sarcasm and charges of being rude and harassing. Now, I think this seller was just angrily defensive about being called on their extortion, but my wife reminds me that I do enjoy being bitter and confrontational myself, especially in writing. Am I just being an asshole, or justifiably admonishing? Am I understandably defensive or on the attack? You tell me. (Remember that this exchange was through email via eBay Messages, the conversation was not instant.)
I just got sent this from some of the SFX designers working on the new movie. I can't say who, so don't ask. It's video only, no audio, but if the rest of the Transformers movie is this cool, we're in for a real treat!
One weekend during my generally unenchanting sophomore year of college (wallowing in our nation's capital) I had the pleasure of visiting my friend Charlie in New York City. He and I spent the evening with a group of our high school buddies drunkenly stumbling around the East Village. It was a marvel, this electric, metropolitan candyland that poured shots for 19- and 20-year-olds without blinking and casually ignored our loud, staggering entourage as it sailed down the avenues like ducks caught in a strong current.
Falling out of a now-defunct rock club on St. Mark's Place, I turned to my right to see a comic book store: St. Mark's Comics, appropriately. It was open. At midnight. I knew this was the City That Never Sleeps, but I didn't know that included comic book stores! Surely this town was a jewel to be prized, a great Mecca of opportunity and glut. Why, I had to buy a comic book now. Fortunately -- boom! look at that! -- an open comic book store, outside my bar, into which I will race, wide-eyed, with my buddy Todd in tow, who delights in witnessing my glee.
I haven't blogged in a bit. Though I've had a bit of a cold, I've actually also been working on a significant update to the Transformers Box Art Archive that I think you'll enjoy. You know, if you like that sort of thing. To tide you over, here are Tsunami's reviews of my recent Transformer acquisitions...
I mentioned before how I was dealing with warrior-storage problem insofar as the amount of Transformers I shelter exceeding the amount of cubic feet available for their display/storage. I further mentioned in passing how, to economize the space and save a shelf, I might take all nine of my combiner teams that were then-universally uncombined and systematically combine them into their combined forms.
Well, I did this (combine!), and it worked. I saved a shelf. Casually — lovingly stretched over a couple hours — I merged:
Did you know that if you click that little faction insignia at the base of the left-hand navigation, it transforms the site color scheme from Decepticon to Autobot (and back)? It's always been there, I've just never mentioned it.
Botch is secretive.
I spent my morning commute skimming through a collection of poems by Edna St. Vincent Millay and I came across one that immediately struck me, as a Transformers fan, as a collector, and as a somewhat death-fixated guy. I thought I would share it with you. Tell me what you think.
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Siege This I do, being mad: Gather baubles about me, Sit in a circle of toys, and all the time Death beating the door in. White jade and an orange pitcher, Hindu idol, Chinese god,— Maybe next year, when I'm richer— Carved beads and a lotus pod . . . And all this time Death beating the door in. |
I shall now review the entire Transformers: Classics Deluxe and Voyager collection, per toy, in the order in which they were obtained, via haiku.
Astrotrain
cautious g-one fan
dollface spies him at target
triple-changer love
Getting sick on the weekend blows, blows, blows. And it sucks. Such a waste. Here it is, Monday now, and I'm still sick at home with the common cold, but of course it's difficult to enjoy the day off from work because I'm sick. At least I'm prepared:
HOW TO BE SICK AT HOME
by Botch
The greatest Decepticons are motivated by a lust for power and a desire to inflict cruel punishment on others. Thus it should come as no surprise that they often scrap with each other (for advancement in rank). The most noteworthy, pivotal and super-bitchin' (cool) of these throw-downs are the ones wherein the mantle of leadership hangs in the balance. That's right, some cocky Decepticon comes along to challenge the head honcho, and the only way to decide such a thing is with an old-fashioned giant robot fight.
This leads to some of my favorite covers from the old 80's comic book series, your favorite and mine, The Transformers. Observe the one to your right. Ah, my favorite Transformer, Shockwave, cooly repelling Megatron's attempt to wrest back the command that was stripped of him while he was offline. This is issue #6, and was the first instance in the comic of the Decepticon leadership changing hands. This trend was something unique to the comic book continuity — the cartoon never really played with the status quo — and Shockwave was usually involved. Maybe that's one of the reasons I enjoy the character so much (besides his dispassionately logical demeanor): he's the bad guy's bad guy.
While I was Christmas shopping, I happened upon some great Chinese Transformer knock-offs. Billed as "Quick Change Transforming System Defender Robots," the ones I bought (depicted) are knock-offs of the Robot Master versions of Star Saber and Victory Leo, and yes, they even merge into Victory Saber. Yay! Sure, they're knock-offs of reinterpretations of the original Japanese G1 toys, but since this is probably the closest I'll ever get to owning them -- and since they were only $4.99 -- I consider this a good deal. They're standing on my desk now, amidst the rest of the clutter, in about the same spot as they've been for the last two weeks. Why don't I find a nice display spot for them? Why can't I? Because I have no more room! None. Nada. Zilch. See for yourself (don't worry, I'm not going to make a habit of this YouTube thing):
While Heather wrapped Christmas presents for her family and prepared them for mailing, I opened my new, big fucking toy, Starscream. We're talking 18 inches tall. Originally a shelf-warmer at $49.99, as of Black Friday he dropped to $24.99 at Toys 'R' Us and I could no longer deny myself. Though this toy is from the Transformers: Cybertron line, I prefer to think of him as a upgraded version of G1 Starscream from the Underbase Saga.
Tsunami has already made a new home of the box (photo to come, I'm sure).
OK, enough with the rub sign faction stickers.
When rub signs were first introduced on the Transformer mini-spies, it was a great gimmick. You rub the black sticker and either an Autobot or Decepticon sigil is revealed. Remember the commercial, where the Decepticon mini-spy gets into the Ark, then Cliffjumper and Huffer uncover his symbol and discover, holy shit, he's a Decepticon? (You can view it here courtesy of Seibertron.) I thought it was pretty damn cool. It enhanced the idea of disguise! And it made these otherwise silly little nameless Transformers into insidious little information gatherers.
This post is about fandom, digital proprietorship, netiquette and new media. Some of you might think I'm totally justified; others will think I'm an asshole. I would really like to hear all of your opinions.
The issue at hand is a short post I published two weeks ago featuring a new, 60-second MP3 of Frank Welker, the original voice of Megatron, performing a short monologue in character. The original source of this audio file was a clip that accompanied an interview with Welker that was posted on the Transformers news/discussion site, The Allspark. Unlike the original cartoon recordings, this vocal performance was completely unenhanced — no flanger, no reverb, no background music. Such as it was, it led several fans in discussion threads within the Allspark forums and on alt.toys.transformers to comment that he sounded "way off," "like an old man," or "he's just out of practice." I thought this was a great disservice. Part of Welker's Megatron performance naturally accounts for and relies on the post-processing. After all, how would Soundwave (whom he also voiced) have sounded without any audio effects? This is why I decided to give the vocal performance an upgrade.
As you can see, I couldn't resist it any longer and finally picked up the Toys "R" Us exclusive Optimus Primal vs Megatron set celebrating the 10th anniversary of Beast Wars. I know, I know, I already sold most all of my Beast Wars toys. But see, though I had the Transmetal and Transmetal II versions of Megatron, I never had the original, so you can understand how tempting this was. Besides, Charlie will be over on Sunday, and he'll appreciate seeing the original Primal again. It was always his favorite (he has a great love of apes and spring-loaded firing mechanisms).
The Transformers news site The AllSpark scored an interview with Frank Welker, the man of a thousand voices who has perhaps the most daunting résumé in all of voice-acting, and is most especially known by Transformer fans as the original voice of Megatron.
In addition to the text interview, they were lucky enough to get a 1-minute new clip of Welker doing Megatron. However, as it was a completely unembellished recording, it lacked that certain something. So I tweaked it! Enjoy: MegatronSpeaks.mp3! (Taken down at the request of AllSpark. I'm going to try to convince them to let me re-post it.) Updated, see this post.
In the comments of my last post on Tech Specs, Ginraii asked me what I thought of hosting a G1 tech spec gallery on this site. I started responding in the comments, then figured I'd open it up to more feedback by posting it here.
The truth is, I have long considered archiving scans of the tech specs as well as the instructions of the same G1 characters whose box art is currently here. The main reason I haven't done so is because sites already existed that did that. Jim Wilson and tfracetrack.com host a valuable archive of G1 instructions, and both the Hartmans and then tfw2005.com *used* to host the tech spec scans, though neither site currently does. There's nothing that says I couldn't copy and host all their stuff as well... it's just a matter of online politeness.
As I've mentioned previously, I love Transformer tech specs. To me, they're like my whole collection in microcosm. They evoke both the idiosyncrasies and commonalities of each robot; they touch on the individual personality as well as their munitions and battle-ready capabilities; they even have various degrees of wear, newness and familiarity just like the toys do.
I actually have a lot of them, too, over 150 (full list). It became a problem of storage and accessibility. How can keep all these tech specs from wandering all over the place without binding them in such a way that I can't casually browse through them? Elastic hair bands were too restrictive, and just keeping them stacked on my desk was messy. I asked alt.toys.transformers — the original Transformers discussion group — if they had any ideas, but there were no good suggestions.
Is that photo too big? I've got a lot of stuff I want to blog about -- which I guess means I should blog more often this week -- but since I bill this as a Transformers blog, I wanted to get these recent acquisitions off my chassis. Observe!
Tsunami has a tradition to maintain.
Kids love dinosaurs. Kids love giant transforming robots that merge into one super warrior. You see where I'm going with this, don't know?
Observe the Transformer pictured over to the right. Click on him for a larger view. I lifted this scan from the Transformers: Generations book, the same page that had that unmade Rodimus Prime. This one right here is a rather awesome prototype sketch for a another character (or characters, really) that was never made. He's obviously a "Scramble City"-style combiner made of five robots that transform into dinosaurs and then combine into a gestalt. But neither the individual robots, nor their combined form, nor the team as a whole have any names, tech specs or colors attached to them.
Fleshlings. Earthscum. Carbon-based bipeds. Humans. Understandably, humans pop up everywhere in Transformers fiction. After all, Earth has an awful lot of fleshlings. Humans are in many ways essential to the story of the Transformers. Without humans, there wouldn't be much need for disguise. The Autobots wouldn't have anyone to protect (besides themselves). Humans offer the perspective necessary for distilling the fantastic nature of alien, mechanical warriors. So when humans crop up in Transformer comics, cartoons and other fiction... why do they always suck so much?
It's a problem of quality writing. I really do think that you can have great human characters in a Transformers story — hell, I think you can have a great story about Transformers with nothing but humans in it. Most all of the greatest novels ever written feature humans, exclusively! But in Transformers, what do we get? Stupid fucking kids. Or two-dimensional military personnel. The occasional supervillian. On the whole, you get a lot of extremely resilient people (most often some stupid fucking kids) who need only utter a simple "Oh my god!" or "It can't be!" before they become quickly acclimated to the fact that they are interacting with a giant alien robot. Then they proceed to chat, maybe offer some plot-convenient useful insight, very often they jump right into the action and help the Autobots save the day before returning to their humdrum lives with nothing more than a really interesting anecdote to share at parties about the alien robots they hung out with one night.
Occasionally, I like to punish myself by contacting the customer service department of some big company and making logical inquiries. I ask Verizon why I am punished with a longer wait time to qualify for the promotional price of a new phone just because I chose a longer contract. I ask Time Warner why my cable internet connection isn't working. I ask various companies why they continue to send me promotional mailings after I asked to be removed from their list.
Well, most recently, I decided to ask Hasbro about something really petty. Initial shipments of a certain toy were supposed to come with a bonus piece. But the initial shipments are arriving mostly without that bonus. I wanted to know if there was any rhyme, reason or intelligence behind this. Here is the online conversation my inquiry yielded.
As I've mentioned before, I work near Port Authority and there is really nothing to do around here during my lunch break. Midtown Comics is a couple blocks away, and I'm there every week when new comics are in, but it's not a good place to visit frequently without buying anything; the store is too small and the employees start recognizing you and think you're really weird. As such, I've made a routine out of daily visits to the Times Square Toys"R"Us to see if they've got any new Transformers in. Between the forthcoming transformable die-cast metal Titanium line, the G1 re-envisioned Classics line, and the home planet Primus himself, I've had a lot to look forward to.
But this is all just context for... the TRIUMPH! As I was walking on West 43rd I passed one of those shops that just seems like any other Times Square hole-in-the-wall selling I *heart* NY t-shirts and bobbleheads. But I noticed some backissue comics, indeed, some classic 80's Marvel Transformers backissues. Definitely worth a look, I thought. And I was right.
In fact, I just watched the teaser trailer for the upcoming Transformers movie. It doesn't matter, though. None of it matters. I will tell you what I have told every person who has asked me what I think about the upcoming movie:
It is going to suck so fucking much. Why? Two words: Michael Bay. And now follows the rant...
I confess: I like Rodimus Prime. Don't get me wrong, he's no Optimus, but that's exactly the point. When we come into the story, Optimus Prime is already the greatest Autobot leader of all time. We never get to see him in his early, unsteady and formative period. By contrast, we get to watch Hot Rod, a carefree and reckless young Autobot with a noble heart, inherit the mantel of leadership from the very beginning. Forced to grow up fast, Rodimus Prime struggles to be a worthy successor to his legendary predecessor.
Yeah. A lot of fans still hate him. I think they find him whiny or uninspiring.
So, many Transformer fans have created their own original characters. Usually we either create a combiner team (known as a "gestalt", a sub-team of robots that can form one giant warrior), or we create some kind of semi-autobiographical character. It's fun! But it's not always done well.
For instance, if your character has a secret past, especially one involving Optimus Prime or Megatron, it's probably dumb. If your character is the absolute strongest or fastest or smartest or deadliest Transformer ever, I probably do not care. If your character is the "mysterious, silent, but deadly" type, you are not a Cybertronian warrior, you are a fart; worse, if your character's name or speech is for some reason in all small-caps or all large-caps, it's better if they just shut the fuck up. If your character's name makes no sense for a Transformer to have — for instance, something involving the Zodiac, Stephen King novels, famous serial killers or heavy metal bands — then you better really sell us on why it's not stupid. And last but not least, if your new character's name ends in "Prime" then just... just go away.
In the toy section of a department store, I had seen an alligator that was called Megatron, a bat that was called Optimus Primal, some other silly-looking similar creations ignobly bearing names I associated with great warriors from Cybertron's past ... and I wrote the whole thing off. I simply didn't care. Animal Transformers? No, thank you. But my roommate, Bungle, had caught a glimpse of the computer-animated cartoon that was promoting this series, and had mentioned that it seemed different.
So one Saturday morning before 9am, he thuds on my door and grunts, "That Transformers show is on." So I dragged myself into the living room. Picture two hungover twenty-somethings in their boxers and t-shirts sitting on blue folding chairs before an old 14" television, each with their first cigarette of the morning dangling out of their mouths. At first, bleary-eyed curiosity. Cautious optimism. Then Tarantulus opened fire with his eight-legged machine guns. We agreed: "That was pretty cool."
This is Tsunami. Always chirping and mewing and meowing and whining. Always wanting attention from Doll. Shamelessly begs for it. So unjustifiably skittish all the time.
But sometimes he's cute.
Sometimes people ask: What possession have you had the longest? For me, the answer is simple. It's sitting within arm's reach right now. My toy chest!
I've had this toy chest for as long as I can recall. I vaguely recall that someone in my family actually built it. Naturally, when I was a kid it held Godzillas and Shogun Warriors and stuffed animals and talking telephones and speak-and-spells and all sorts of fun stuff. As I grew older, the chest turned to housing the belongings of my younger siblings, but I never disavowed ownership of it. Within the last couple of years, I was able to convince my mother to bring it to me in NYC from Pennsylvania. It's mine mine mine!
It's what we're really doing. Almost all of the lore created within the comics, the fanfics, and the philosophical discussions has been reverse-engineering the Transformers. We have taken the very simple premise devised by some toy manufacturers to sell toys and, goaded by our love for the property, we have probed, questioned and midwifed into existence a whole universe of mythology grounded in that simple premise.
Hasbro took some plastic and die-cast toys that changed from robots into vehicles, weapons and other items, threw them all together and decreed that they were an alien race of robots at war with one another who could reconfigure their bodies for the purposes of disguise. They could just as easily have said they were non-sentient robots built and controlled by men, as was the case in the pre-Transformers Diaclone line in Japan. They could have compromised and said they were created by men but developed intelligence and broke free, somewhat similar to the Starriors. By making them aliens who developed wholly independently of humanity, yet crafting them so similar to us, they gave the fandom an endless theoretical sandbox in which to romp.
To reverse-engineer something is to appraise it in its finished state, deconstruct it, analyze it, and deduce how it functions, usually for the purpose of reproducing it or improving upon it. In the case of the Transformers, all the fiction and thought is really about how similar and how different the Transformers are from humans. The similarities breed familiarity and insight, the differences offer amazement and intrigue. With that in mind, to reverse-engineer these toys is to take an aspect of their current state and try to deduce how it came to be.
Most anyone who reads this site, and certainly those that know me personally, are aware that I enjoy using profanity liberally. I am not without restraint and tact, of course, but given free reign, I swear avidly. According to Wikipedia's entry on profanity, "Psycholinguistic studies have demonstrated that profanity and other taboo words produce physical effects in people who read or hear them, such as an elevated heart rate." I totally believe this. Cursing feels good. Ever notice how much better you feel, after sustaining an injury, by letting fly an expletive or two? Profanity is also ancient and universal for mankind: nearly all languages possess profanity of one sort or another, and its existence almost certainly predates the written word. In short, it is difficult to imagine human language without profanity of one sort or another.
So what about the Transformers? Do they use profanity? And if so, why?
If you were to observe the bed in which Dollface and I nightly rest our weary bodies, you would see that it is perfectly situated between two street-facing windows. What you might not be able to see without peering behind the sleigh-style headboard are our two silent guardians, frightening away unquiet spirits, warding off ill will, protecting us from prying eyes. Our Pretender Gargoyles!
For those of you who aren't aware of them, Pretenders were a completely idiotic concept introduced in 1988 for reasons that escape me. In short, the gimmick is that there are tiny Autobots and Decepticons inside these organic-looking outer shells. They're in disguise, see? No one would ever suspect that a giant bipedal iguana-man, or a giant insect-man, or even a 20-foot tall human in a space suit were actually Transformers! In reality, the shells are stupid-looking, the little robots inside suffer from extremely poor articulation and often do not really resemble any kind of actual vehicle at all, and no humans were ever deceived by the giant iguana-man. So in general, I don't collect Pretenders. However, we return to the two mystery-bots that stand vigil while we sleep...
I'm sorry about yesterday's post. It was boring. No one wants to hear me complain. Let me make it up to you. Here's a picture of Optimus Prime giving a carrot to a cute little bunny!
Mass-shifting, also called size-shifting, is when a Transformer shrinks or grows in size from one mode to the next. The most familiar example of this is Soundwave shrinking down from giant robot to human-sized boombox (along with his cassettes). Similarly, Megatron shrinks when he changes to gun mode to fit in the palm of another Transformer (as in the cartoon) or, perhaps more appropriately, into the hand of a human (as in the comic).
Now, even if I wasn't one of those Transformers fans who rabidly wants to view his giant robots in a more hardcore sci-fi light, I would still think that mass-shifting conceptually has a lot of problems with it. In short: if some Transformers can mass-shift, why can't all of them? What prevents them all from being able to shrink down to insect size, or grow to mountainous size? Once the mass-shifting genie is out of the bottle, what's stopping everyone from making a wish?
Those crazy Micromasters! Always getting into trouble, they are, with their attitudes and stuff. Yeah, they were portrayed pretty one-dimensionally, but maybe you guys can add some depth to them.
I've got a handful of Micromasters (pictured left) that I'm giving away to whoever can come up with the best captions for the following scan from Transformers #55 ...
You may remember, I had a recruitment drive not too long ago in which I asked you, dear reader, to cast your vote for which of several Transformers I should next acquire. Very few people voted because no one really cares, and those that did vote often lacked conviction. I would best summarize the results thusly: No one likes Mindwipe or Bumper. Got it. Since it was a toss-up between the remaining four, I went ahead and got Apeface.
Apeface! From robot to gorilla to jet and back again! And his box art is pretty bitchin', too. What's not to love?
Occasionally, Dollface and I do Nice Things for each other. Just because. I think it's biological.
Earlier this week, she took a old and unused audio cassette holder and decided to convert it to a Micromaster display case. (One more nail in the coffin of the audio cassette, I know.) Up until this point, my Micromaster Squads and Patrols were kept in a large glass vase. I thought it looked pretty novel and cool, but I guess she decided it was time to upgrade. Maybe she was just feeling artsy-craftsy. Or maybe she just wanted to do a Nice Thing.
You would think I'd be a big fan of the Alternators line. Ultra-realistic versions of G1 characters? Sure, sounds good to me. So, over time, I eventually bought or was given the three toys pictured below: (from left to right) Smokescreen, Sideswipe and Hound.
But you know what? They don't do it for me. The transformations are complex. Without question, Alternators are the most difficult line of toys to transform that has been made. And while I thought I would dig that, it turns out that I don't. I like the relatively straightforward mode-shifting of the G1 figures. It's not that transforming Alternators is too hard for me: it's too hard for my tastes. Combined with the fact that they're not strictly Generation One toys, that their posability just makes them difficult to stand, and that Sideswipe is so awkward he looks like he's got the robot equivalent of a wedgie, I've decided I don't need these toys in my collection anymore. So I'm giving them away!
One time several years ago, a friend named Anna came up to me and said "Look what Chris [her Transformer-collecting boyfriend] gave to me!" In the same way as one might present a baby mouse or piece of jewelry, she supported on her upturned palm a tiny yellow minibot in compact car mode. "Oh, check it out," I replied immediately, "It's Hubcap!" As I took the Autobot and quickly inspected and transformed him, I saw the look of confusion enter her features. "No," she replied, "It's Bumblebee. I always wanted Bumblebee because he was the cute, yellow, friendly one." I replied, "I'm sorry, no, this is Hubcap. Autobot. 1986. Function: Communications."
Her facial expression turned from puzzlement to frown, and then I realized exactly what had happened: Chris knew she wanted a Bumblebee, had a Hubcap handy, and knew she wouldn't know the difference. I had just inadvertently ruined everything. It was inevitable, really. If Chris really wanted to keep the secret, he would have had to warn me in advance about keeping up the ruse. But as eBay hunters and others know, this wouldn't be the first or last time the two were confused. How the fuck does this relate to the Archive? Watch!
Which Transformer should I get next? My TF buying pace has slowed down considerably. Most of the major figures I wanted I have acquired. I actually haven't bought a new Transformer since Cybercon back in July (I told you about that). What follows is a list of the ones I'm considering. Leave a reply and let me know which one you think is the best candidate for recruitment.
So? Whom should I pursue? Whom should I capture and covet? Reply and let me know! (You need not be a Transformer fan to voice your opinion. It never stopped anyone before.)
The cover to the first issue of the Transformers: Headmasters limited series was my first exposure to the notion of the Headmasters. I hadn't seen any toys in stores, there was no internet to keep me abreast of things to come. Sure, the letters page of the ongoing series had let me know in advance that the series was forthcoming, but I had no idea what a "Headmaster" was.
And then I saw the cover (left): that unfamiliar, horned Autobot is ripping his damn head off! That's pretty cool. I couldn't guess at his motivations. Was he going to throw it at the enemy? Was his brain infected and he was simply performing a battlefield head amputation? No matter what, it didn't look pleasant, but it sure got my attention.
Counting the number of Transformers in one's collection is easier said than done. This is not because the counting itself is difficult, or that the quantity is intimidating. Rather, in a series where five or six robots can combine into a larger one, where a character's head can come off and has its own name, or where a larger robot comes equipped with a smaller, dependent one, one has to decide exactly which characters should be counted, and which should not.
There have been several discussions on this topic before, all very sensible. However, I feel that previous methods have some flaws in them. On the one hand, there is the tendency to accept methods that dramatically inflate the final tally in the collection. This is natural, as anyone who takes the time to count their army wants the most impressive result possible. However, I think giving individual Micromasters the same weight as Jetfire can be misleading when trying to give a representative tally, both to Transfans and civilians alike. On the other hand, most of us feel it is wrong to ignore the individuality of the Micromasters, each a character in their own right.
Occasionally, my wife would hear me say that our apartment is really hers, that I just have one room in it (my computer/music/toy room/den/cave). This upsets her — disproportionately, I think — because she wants me to feel that the apartment is truly as much mine as it is hers. To this end she has permitted me to place baubles here and there throughout the apartment. Often the baubles complain to me that they feel out of place at best, and disowned or abandoned at worst. I understand and sympathize with their disorientation, but I will direct them now to my bedroom dresser, which I think looks comfortably in-place, mine and acceptably tacky.
Well, "horrific" only insofar as I've seen a lot of horror movies, but in truth the week itself has not been fabulous. I've had a touch of the flu that manifested itself in terms of dreadful muscle aches, mild fever and a throat so sore it woke me up at night. I spent Halloween watching M*A*S*H episodes, missed a day of work, was far from chipper for the return performance of The Monster Project, but I've logged a lot of GameBoy and movie time.
And on top of it all, this morning I woke up congested. Blew my nose a dozen times. Must have been that beer or those tokes from last night. Should have known I wasn't out of the woods yet. So today I'm going to spend listening to The Cure and dusting my Transformers. Why? Because they are very fucking dusty.
As a G1 collector with a sense of frugality, I seldom buy boxed or mint figures when I add to my army. Most of my new acquisitions are a little dirty, scuffed, worn, incomplete or loose. I can clean, repair or re-accessorize them myself, but nothing makes a C6 toy transform into a C9 like some nice, new and vibrant stickers. That's where Reprolabels.com comes in.
Reprolabels supplies reproduction stickers for most of the better-known classic Transformers. Each character's sheet includes copies of both their original decal sheet stickers and the factory-applied stickers. Most sets come pre-cut as well, just like the original sheets. I highly, highly recommend this relatively inexpensive service. But be warned: re-stickering your robots can be a real bitch. Before you invest your time and money, let me share what I've learned.
Considering how much I obviously covet the character art from the front of the boxes, it might not surprise you to learn that as a kid, I would meticulously "clip and save" the Tech Specs of each new warrior I acquired. (Note that the box art is included in miniature on each Tech Spec as well.) More than the comic, much more so than the cartoon, for me the science, personality and history of the Transformers is contained in their Tech Specs.
Soundwave is an opportunist, despised by all other Decepticons. Galvatron and Ultra Magnus are City Commanders. Buzzsaw is the Spy — Laserbeak's function is Interrogation. Rumble starts earthquakes with low frequency groundwaves (not pile-drivers) and Frenzy can roll his drums to produce a high-pitch, grating sound. These are the truths in my personal canon, and they always have been.
I can't make it any plainer than that. Rumble is Soundwave's red (and black) cassette, and Frenzy is the blue one with gold trim.
The root of all Transformers is the toy. Without the toys, there would be no cartoon or comic or anything. And both the toys and their respective box art attest: Rumble is red, Frenzy is blue. So why would anyone think differently?
The majority of Transformers fans online seem to be, at best, concerned about the (theoretically) impending Transformers movie. The fact that Michael Bay is slated to direct (the most critically reviled director in Hollywood); the script credits keep changing and have never been in laudable hands; one of the producers commented that the notion of using the original voice actors was "silly" because they're only "TV cartoon guys"; the general state of Hollywood today, etc.
But I have heard a few fans comment that, firstly, they are going in to the movie with low expectations and will be pleased if they simply see some cool CGI Transformers. Well, I suppose that's a a good attitude for avoiding disappointment, but personally I think the characters, the global scope and the melodrama are every bit as integral to the Transformers as the special effects. Secondly, even among those who expect a thoroughly shitty movie, some comment that at least it will be Good for the Fandom.
Like most true New Yorkers, the notion of venturing outside of my metropolitan biosphere is unsettling. And while I obviously love my Transformers, I ain't flying to fucking California or Indiana for them. As such, I was very pleased to learn that 2005 would be the year of the very first NYC-based TF convention, and I was damn sure going to attend. My first Transformers convention, yes. As a volunteer for Cybercon, I ended up spending well over 20 hours there between Friday and Saturday, and I have to say I enjoyed every minute of it.
THE PEOPLE
I had a great time chatting with fellow Transfans. The show's organizers (Tony Bacala, Rik and Fran) were all great guys putting in their maximum effort. Tony B in particular offered a lot of insight into the behind-the-scenes of Transformers. All the volunteers and guests were fun as well. Sure, there were some fanboys who made you roll your eyes in pain, but most people were level-headed. Every now and then I got a "Botch the Crab? Awesome site." That was nice.
I keep them in two adjacent six-foot bookcases: Autobots on the left, Decepticons on the right. Often they're grouped on the shelves loosely according to year and general historical affiliation. Sometimes I set them up in scenes: for example, a meeting of Decepticon group leaders, in which a fight breaks out between Snaptrap the turtle (rearing up on his hind legs) and Hun-Grrr the double-headed dragon. Other times I set up the cities/bases (Metroplex, Scorponok) and populate them with tenants. The largest Bots and Cons (Predaking, God Ginrai) attend the top of the bookcases, out of necessity and a sense of grandeur.
All of my Transformers are completely armored with every one of their weapons and accessories. I have three fishing tackle boxes, all plastic and translucent, in which I keep the various flame-throwers, energo swords and other kibble when not in use. They're very organized: labels help me distinguish between Prowl's and Bluestreak's weapons, for example.
